Regrets

 

An Open Letter To You

September 15th 3:00 AM

I have  a very different feeling right now. It's not that I'm sad. I am actually happy. To be honest, I'm so crazy. Crazy in pain. 

How come I'm willing to overlook a lot of things? How come I always encounter someone who's needing fixing? DO I ACTUALLY ATTRACT THIS? How come I haven't met someone who's whole to begin with? Someone who's whole and willing to share a piece of him so I can feel that I am whole too. 

I'm always in a situation wherein I am always helping them build their confidence and their self, as a whole. I hate myself for being so giving. I am too kind. I hate them all for taking advantage of my vulnerability. 

Instead of being infatuated and feeling the butterflies in my stomach, what I have is a realization. I always say to myself "I am not willing to do this." "I'm familiar with this." "Oh shit, here we go again."

I pray that the person for me will remove all the doubts I usually feel. The doubts I even have to myself. I hope he's my number one fan, my personal cheerleader. Someone who's there to let me know "That's okay" "You can do it, babe." Someone who'll never be bored and tired of my crazy stories. Someone who's willing to help build ME up. Someone who knows every bit of me and still loves me for it. For all the shenanigans and anxiety attacks I probably still have. 

I am crying right now because I know someone who's similar to the person I described above. We can't be together though, cause he's happy now. I was okay before, cause I know he's indifferent to the person he chose over me. However, I can sense that he eventually fell for her. He's already in love now. And it still sucks to be living my own nightmare. 

I love him. I know I still do. I am trying to find pieces of him in other people. Like a piece of a puzzle that I know won't be enough to complete the whole thing. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's why I am pushing myself to a person who's only there when they need me. My warmth. My welcoming personality. And by the moment their ego was filled, they are gone. 

The thing with loss is that the greater the care/love you have for that person, the harder it is to get over it. I can get on with my life, don't get me wrong, but the waves of sadness comes in from time to time. 

I just hope that the person for me is on his way. I am more than ready to welcome him and I know it's gonna be worth it. 

Ciao.

He's Easy Come, Easy Go

 

Why Not?

 

Love is the riskiest investment ever

Love is an investment. 
You’ll be trapped in its vortex. 

He’ll show you interest and will make you think you have high value. 

Until one day, you’ll wake up realizing it’s you who depends on him. 

Your smile and happiness now depends on his efforts.

This is where you’ll get sucked in a quicksand. 

You won’t know how this happened. 

He’s the one who approached you, initiated the conversation. 

Now, you’re the one begging for his attention. The one wanting more. 

Once you realize all this, you’d know you can’t take it back. 

You are now, once again, part of his statistics. 

So next time, you should know to value your worth. 

Don’t invest in something that you know won’t have any value in the future.  

Don’t take risks and say “He’ll get there eventually…”

He won’t. 

Remember, if you are entertaining others, he’s out there too, making other girls smile.

There are 5 things I wanna tell you right now. All of which is not I love you.

I was vulnerable. I am not sure of what I want in the future. All I know is I have you, the shoulder I wanna lean on. You saw this girl is helpless so you saw that opportunity. Not to take advantage, but to show who you really are. That caring person who everyone else think was crazy. We built our future as if we know what's happening tomorrow. You always include me into planning however, I was completely out of my mind all the time. I was careless and I  always felt like you were joking. Not until now. Now that I realized you were not kidding. I knew it because you are living that dream.

Thank you for seeing the person behind all this mess.  The person that needed fixing. The person who loves people that are so hard to love. The person who loved that loser  who always have something funny to say. I appreciate you. Everything they say won't matter because you have faith in me. You believed in me even if they thought otherwise. You chose me, and right now, to be completely honest, I don't know why.

We went out of sync and I know, it shouldn't end like that. I should've supported you every step of the way. I should've expressed myself correctly so you'd know I care about you too, not the other way around. I should've taken you seriously and now I regret it. I regret that I was unable to appreciate this mere presence that is keeping me warm through winter.

I want you to know that the last time I saw you, I should've asked you if you're so sure on what you're about to do. I wanna embrace you so I'd remember that time over and over and that way, my pillows are not so wet right now. I should've said I miss you too. I missed you so bad that I wanna book that flight just to be with you. I should've had the courage to ask you to stay so you won't get lost along the way.

I didn't do it. Cause I know, this is not how I'd fight for my soulmate. I know it should be easier than this. I know that God won't allow this to happen if you're the one.  I know He's got greater plans. Yes, I must admit I think of you from time to time. I think of you when I feel alone. I think you you when life's a total BS. I think of you whenever I feel like it's me against the world. By then, I remember all of the good things you've done. All of the things that made me smile and laugh soooo hard. I remember that there's more to life than this. All of the success I've had after you would've been sweeter only if you're there beside me. I don't know if I still love you, because now, I am happy for you and most especially, I'm happy for me. Thank you. Ciao.