An Open Letter To You

September 15th 3:00 AM

I have  a very different feeling right now. It's not that I'm sad. I am actually happy. To be honest, I'm so crazy. Crazy in pain. 

How come I'm willing to overlook a lot of things? How come I always encounter someone who's needing fixing? DO I ACTUALLY ATTRACT THIS? How come I haven't met someone who's whole to begin with? Someone who's whole and willing to share a piece of him so I can feel that I am whole too. 

I'm always in a situation wherein I am always helping them build their confidence and their self, as a whole. I hate myself for being so giving. I am too kind. I hate them all for taking advantage of my vulnerability. 

Instead of being infatuated and feeling the butterflies in my stomach, what I have is a realization. I always say to myself "I am not willing to do this." "I'm familiar with this." "Oh shit, here we go again."

I pray that the person for me will remove all the doubts I usually feel. The doubts I even have to myself. I hope he's my number one fan, my personal cheerleader. Someone who's there to let me know "That's okay" "You can do it, babe." Someone who'll never be bored and tired of my crazy stories. Someone who's willing to help build ME up. Someone who knows every bit of me and still loves me for it. For all the shenanigans and anxiety attacks I probably still have. 

I am crying right now because I know someone who's similar to the person I described above. We can't be together though, cause he's happy now. I was okay before, cause I know he's indifferent to the person he chose over me. However, I can sense that he eventually fell for her. He's already in love now. And it still sucks to be living my own nightmare. 

I love him. I know I still do. I am trying to find pieces of him in other people. Like a piece of a puzzle that I know won't be enough to complete the whole thing. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe that's why I am pushing myself to a person who's only there when they need me. My warmth. My welcoming personality. And by the moment their ego was filled, they are gone. 

The thing with loss is that the greater the care/love you have for that person, the harder it is to get over it. I can get on with my life, don't get me wrong, but the waves of sadness comes in from time to time. 

I just hope that the person for me is on his way. I am more than ready to welcome him and I know it's gonna be worth it. 

Ciao.